The scene is Saddam Hussein's luxurious palace in Baghdad. Amidst the sumptuous furnishings and golden chandeliers, a stooped and ancient figure is furtively scurrying from room to room, uttering extracts from "MEIN KAMPF" under his breath.  The stranger is the 102 year - old Adolf Hitler, who did not REALLY blow out his brains in the Berlin bunker, but has survived for over forty years, and, though not in the best of health, is still bent on his quest to rule the world!  He eventually comes across Saddam Hussein, huddled over a map of the Middle East with his most trusted generals:

ADOLF: "Greetings, Mein Herr!".
SADDAM: "Greetings, oh, scruffy foreign person. What about your hair?"

ADOLF: "Nein, nein! Not my hair! Mein Herr!"
SADDAM: "Well then, be a little more lucid, please! I have no time to waste.  Though, come to mention it, you ought to be concerned about your hair. It's so greasy! Have you not heard of "Head and Shoulders?"

ADOLF: "Mein friend, I have had the head and shoulders off more men than you've had hot cous - cous! However, the reason for my presence here is to offer my advice on your glorious quest! I admire your courage greatly! You, mein friend, have balls!!!"
SADDAM (in a mocking, cruel tone of voice) "From what I have heard, effendi, that's rather more than you have yourself!  However, I am a little short on friends at the moment.  I gladly accept your assistance. I want to take over the world!! I will burn Bush!!!"

ADOLF: "Who do you think you are, Saddam? Moses, or what?"
SADDAM: "Please, Adolf, do not mention any heathen prophets in my presence!!  I will rid the world of Bush, and I have special things in mind for Major!!!"

ADOLF: "Saddam, you overwhelm me!!Rid the world of Bush??? Why, by the time you'd be half way through, they'd all have grown again!! And who is the Major of whom you speak so contemptuously?"
SADDAM: "Major? Oh, yes, I had forgotten, you have been out of touch with world affairs for a long time now! I speak of John Major, of Great Britain"

ADOLF: "But Major John whom, mein friend?"
SADDAM: "I refer, effendi, to John Major, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. He took....

ADOLF: (interrupting) "So!!!! Great Britain became a military distatorship!!! How splendid!!!! When did it happen, and....
SADDAM: (a little impatient by now) "Adolf! Adolf! Please listen! The new Prime Minister of Great Britain is a man (?) called John Major! He took over from the Iron Lady when...

ADOLF; (AGAIN butting in) "So!! Great Britain has been ruled by a statue for all these years!!! I expect they wanted a change after Churchill!! How...
SADDAM: (by this time wondering how he'd ever become involved with the ancient Austrian dolt) "PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN!!!! By the Iron Lady, I mean Margaret Thatcher."

ADOLF: "Mein Gott!!!! A roof - mender in charge of that country!!! I thought an impoverished Bavarian artist (failed) had done rather well!!!! How on earth did a roof - mender ever get to govern Britain?"
SADDAM:  "Adolf, you become a little muddled! By Thatcher, I refer not to one who mends roofs, but to one who has had them knocked down, on factories, offices and mines all over the country, till little industry remained."

ADOLF: "Aahh, forgive me, mein herr.  I have been out of touch with world affairs for some time. But I have not been idle all these years!! Here, in my suitcase, and another 200 suitcases awaiting delivery, I have "Mein Kampf", volumes 3 to 1009, and 20,000,000 deutschmarks. I wish to donate them all to your glorious quest!!!"
SADDAM: "That is very kind, Adolf! However, I hate to disappoint you, but your deutschmarks in todays money are only worth about £3.50! But, Adolf, do not worry about my finances. I can easily finance my glorious quest. I have sold all the arms I purchased from Great Britain at cut - price to Iran. (Incidentally, I haven't paid for them yet!). I have a long - ter interest - free loan with the World Bank!  I also have a lend - lease agreement with Colonel Gaddafi, and my own personal fortune is considerable!!!  Also, I do not intend paying my men!!!"

ADOLF: "Surely, Saddam, your men will be disappointed at receiving no money?"
SADDAM: "Oh, Adolf, the way in which I intend to fight this war, they'll nearly all be killed anyway. There'll be NO revolting in this country - I'm quite revolting enough for anybody - Now!!! How would you like to be the very first person, outside of myself and my trusted revolutionary guards, to know my secret war plans?"

ADOLF: "Mein True Friend!! That would indeed be a most great honour!!! I haven't felt this touched since "Kristallnacht!!!"
SADDAM: "My trump card is this, Adolf! Over many years now, I have had my top scientists working night and day to develop a powerful secret weapon so terrible and mighty that would give me the power to achieve what I most desire! At last, they have formulated a compound so deadly that just one microgram is enough to kill thousands of my enemies!!! This bacterial compound looks, incidentally, exactly like salt!  I have enough of this secret weapon to destroy the whole human race, if I so wish!!!!

ADOLF: How does this compound work, mein friend? You could have some problems with distributing it!"
SADDAM: "Aahh. I have the answer to that, Adolf. It was discovered during the development that this deadly powder becomes even more powerful when dissolved in water! Therefore, I intend to have it scattered into the atmosphere above the battlegrounds that my men will create on land!  It will then fall to the ground, killing everyone within a hyndred mile radius! What do you think, effendi?"

ADOLF: "Marvellous idea, Saddam, but have you forgotten that it does not rain in the desert very often? I can distinctly remember Rommel complaining that the very dry air in the desert used to play havoc with his delicate skin, and....
SADDAM: "(interrupting) "Aahh, yes, Adolf! You are right, of course! However, I have plans for this! My bulk carrier planes (ex - NATO) are fitted with British - made water cannon, bought as surplus from the British police force who used them to quell the (so - called) rioters during the miners strike!  Once the atmosphere is saturated, my enemy will be decimated!!!"

ADOLF: " But, Saddam, what about your men? They will also die!"
SADDAM: "Adolf, those men would be most happy to give their lives for my glorious cause. And at least this way they won't have to grieve over fallen comrades, because they'll ALL be dead! It will mean, of course,  that MY country will be short of men for a while, but I have plans for that, too!! I have plans to greatly increase the population of my country!!!! I will offer twenty free lunches at the Baghdad McDonald's for every child born in my country! If that child is a boy, the parents can choose also between a K - Tel orange juice press or a Sony Walkman!!!"

ADOLF: "Well, Saddam, I certainly hope your idea works!!! Now, I wish to reward the brilliant scientists who have developed this marvellous compound! I will present them with the Iron Cross, with Gold Bars!! I will give them every award that is in my power!! I will...

(Hitler is by this time turning a rather deep shade of purple, very dangerous for a 102 year - old).

SADDAM: "Calm down! Please calm down, Adolf!  I will take you to see my secret laboratory now where my scientists are working with the compound".

(They set off for Saddam's secret laboratory, where Hitler's highly emotional state is worsening).

SADDAM: "Well, Adolf, here it is!  In but a few months time, I will rule the world, and you, my new - found friend, will be there to assist me!!!"
ADOLF: "Saddam, this its too much!!! For the past forty - five years I have dreamt of this moment!!! You are indeed a man of vision!!!"
This is a task I would never have been able to accomplish alone!!!

(Saddam has noticed that his new friend is turning an alarming shade of purple, and has become rather short of breath - not a feature for which he was previously renowned!!!)

SADDAM: "Perhaps you'd better sit down for a few moments, Adolf? You don't appear at all well! I will send my men for something for you to eat! How long is it since you last took food?".

ADOLF : "Do you refer, Saddam, to the 50,000 acres of wheat in Czechoslovakia, or maybe the half - million tons of potatoes in Poland?".
SADDAM : "No, no, effendi! I refer to you personally! When did you last have something to eat?"

ADOLF: "Well, mein friend, it was over four days ago that I was finally able to leave my secret hideout - an old Third  Reich food factory in Bavaria! I made my way to you, with the greatest of difficulty, only then deeming it safe after all these years i hiding! I brought with me some coffee - ersatz, of course - in a thermos and a tin of knackwurst, but I am, indeed, very hungry now! All I have had to eat for the past forty five years is tinned saurkraut and these accursed knackwurst, and now I crave for something different to eat!!!"
SADDAM: "Whatever you would like, I will have my revolutionary guards prepare immediately, Adolf!"

ADOLF : " Most kind, mein herr! My mouth waters at the thought of some roast potatoes, fried onions and peas with rich meaty gravy and a couple of large, juicy pork chops!!!
SADDAM: "Now, effendi!!!! Please do not joke about such things with me! What would you  REALLY like to eat?"

ADOLF : " I have just told you, Saddam! Why do you think I would joke with you?  (Hitler has forgotten Saddam Hussein is a Moslem, but he never did show any respect for peoples' religions anyway!!!).  I would love a couple of nice, juicy pork chops, some meaty.......
SADDAM:" Adolf, I warn you, do not bite the hand that offers to feed you!!!  Do not dare to insult me in my own country, I will ....

ADOLF: "How dare you speak to the ruler of  the Third Reich in such a contemptuous fashion, you oily oink!!! You're not fit to rule the world!!! I myself will be take over from you.  Give me that secret weapon  NOW!!!
SADDAM: " Infidel!!! I will have you executed at once!!! No!!! I will kill you myself.  Come here at ....

ADOLF: "Try it then, you mongol half - breed!!! I'll make you regret taking me on!!! Come and get me, greaseball!!!"
SADDAM: (lunges towards Hitler with a metal spatula he has seized)
"How dare you!!! Prepare for death, you Austrian ape!!!!"

ADOLF: (picked up a test tube to defend himself, little realising that it is THE test tube, containing Saddam's horrific secret weapon. Saddam, once realising this, cries out in horror. Hitler thinks that Saddam is becoming afraid of him. He gains confidence, and starts dancing around the lab. in a singularly grotesque fashion with the test tube).  "You fear me, Hussein!!!  Are you afraid of defeat at my hands?"

SADDAM: "You old dolt! You idiot! Put down that test tube at once!!! It is the ....
ADOLF: " Come and get me, you coward, you dog!!!!!

(The pair start to struggle violently.  Saddam attempts to wrest the test tube from Adolf, but Hitler seems possessed by a kind of maniacal madness (WHAT'S NEW?).  Suddenly, the tube falls to the ground!!!  Everything seems to be suspended in time for a few brief seconds, as the white powder breaks through   the shattered glass!!!  The next moment, an awesome vortex appears, and the laboratory explodes into (at least) a hundred trillion pieces.  The vortex rises, and prevailing winds scatter microscopic particles from the explosion all over the Earth!!! The particles are then inhaled by every breathing organism in the world!!!!  Saddam's death powder has not had the exact effect he had envisaged!!! As the particles are inhaled, they become part of the recipient organism and remain, within that organism, forever more!!!!

WHICH only goes to show ..... (groan) ..... that there's a little bit of Hitler in all of us!!!!!!!